A Merrier World
by JestaAriadne
Summary: "It says here: share an embarrassing moment." "And make it something we haven't heard. Everyone knows about the monkey." In which England tells a funny story, only it isn't, and France pushes things too far. (G8 countries, mostly England and France.)


A couple notes/references at the end.

* * *

"It says…" Canada flipped over the card. "_Share an embarrassing moment_. "

"Oh yeah! England's gotta tell an embarrassing story!" America grinned and elbowed Japan in the ribs. "This should be suh-weet!"

"And make it something we haven't heard," France interjected. "Everyone knows about the time you hanged the monkey."

"FOR THE LAST TIME!" England exploded, "THAT WASN'T ACTUALLY PERSONALLY _ME_."

"…Ah, you are so easy to tease…" France sighed and patted England on the shoulder; England jerked out of reach.

"I enjoy stories," said Russia, leaning forward attentively.

"Alright, _fine_." England pulled a face as he thought. "This was in 1596. My boss was Elizabeth I."

Italy perked up at that. "Ooh, she was your awesome monarch right?"

"Yes. Really fairly awesome. As Spain could tell you…" He smiled smugly.

"Get to the embarrassing bit!" America called out.

"I need to explain the background, idiot. Things had calmed down a good deal; there was much less religious strife for one thing - about time too - and in general I was getting on alright. Of course there were still tensions, and also in the 1590s there were some very bad harvests."

"Ah," said France and Russia together.

"It wasn't_ that_ bad," England said hastily, "I know what you two are thinking." He cast them a dirty look as if to say the 'three meals from revolution' rule didn't apply to really _civilised _nations. "Anyway, one thing that didn't help was nobles "enclosing" land so other people couldn't use it: that was getting to be a big problem. In Oxfordshire, there was a carpenter, Bartholomew Steer, who was going around with his brother and a few friends and trying to get people together to do something about it. They petitioned their local lord but nothing happened, so … well, I remember the quote: _if they could not have remedy, they would seek remedy themselves: cast down ditches and knock down gentlemen_. _He would not always live a slave. _He had some larger vision, it seems, too." England's accent had blurred into something a little older, and he added, "_Wee shall have_, he said, _a meryer world."_

"He sounds like a very principled man," Japan commented. "If not suspiciously so."

"I like the sound of him," said France. "But are you quite sure this an _embarrassing story_? It seems to me that someone is just jealous they did not have a proper Revolution, like _moi_."

England glared at him. "You can keep your bloody revolution. I'll thank you to remember I was a good five hundred years ahead of you in drafting a declaration of rights."

"Ooh, bla-bla-bla, manga carta granted rights to my_ poor oppressed nobility_, bla-bla-bla," France said, waving his hands around. "I hardly think so." He smirked. "…But I'll admit you are my senior in the grand tradition of regicide. _Well done_."

"Why,_ you_-_-_"

"No violence on conference premises!" Germany roared.

"Britain and France both inspire me very much," said Russia.

"…Uh, right. Well, anyway…"

"Hey, why haven't I heard of this rebellion of yours?" America asked. "It sounds kind of cool!"

"You'll see. Right. Long story short, they gathered support and made a plan to march to Lord Norris', possibly kill or take him hostage, I'm not sure, steal the artillery and march to London to get their views heard. On the day, Steer and three other artisans showed up, and waited for everyone else to arrive." He paused significantly.

"They.. waited?" asked Germany, getting drawn into the story despite his blanket disapproval of these 'sharing' games.

"Waited. And waited. And, uh, no else did arrive. Possibly they'd got the date wrong because there were some random people hanging around that same hill the previous week."

"So, let me get this straight," America was starting to laugh already, "you were just … standing on a hill … _waiting …_ I mean, was it raining? That would be even funnier -"

"No," said England, "I wasn't there."

"What? Hey, I call foul, this is supposed to be an embarrassing story about YOU!"

"I wasn't _there_; I only found out about this after they got arrested and dragged up to London."

They all noticed the strained note in his voice.

"So… what happened?" Canada asked, a little cautiously.

England looked from face to face. "…We had them tortured for information about a non-existent larger conspiracy and then executed six months later for making war against the Queen. The end."

He downed his tea.

"Oh," said America. "Dude, that's rough."

"That's not a very funny story!" Italy complained.

"I didn't say _funny_." England said, rounding on him "I said it's embarrassing. Alright, maybe we all did stuff like that back then, but it's one of the things it stings to remember. And I _shared_ that with you; are you happy now?"

There was resounding quiet.

Then France began to chuckle.

"_What_?" asked England in a dangerous tone.

"Ah, forgive me… but it is… a _little_ funny."

"France, I'm warning you -"

"No no, and you can stare me down all you like with your eyebrows set to kill like that, but it is_ funny_: it is a little, teensy-weensy bit _absolutement hysterical_!" And he was off. "There were four of them. Trying to re-make society. And hedges, of course, this is England. And they spend the day _waiting for everyone else_, standing on top of a hill! And discussing philosophy, I would hope! It is the stuff absurdist dreams are made on!" He wiped his eyes. "And, oh, that tinge of tragedy. Your Shakespeare missed an opportunity there, I tell you -"

"You're twisted, you know that?" England snapped. "Is _nothing_ sacred to you?"

"This from the nation of Blackadder and Monty Python?" France quipped. "Ah, but it gets better doesn't it - what exactly did they plan to do? They were going to steal the cannon and … _walk it to Londres?_ From Oxford?"

"You always take things too far!"

"…Gathering a merry band en-route I suppose? 'Excuse me, my good man, we are on our way to London to see the Queen and point a cannon at her - and presumably any of the hundreds of people in the way - until we affect some socioeconomic change, care to join us'? England, you couldn't assemble a decent riot if you tried!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

France finished the laugh he was on and subsided. "Hm? Wrong, with me? Where is your British sense of humour?"

England was clenching and unclenching his fists, his face apoplectic with rage. "You… how can _you_… laugh at me? With your history? Have you no conscience? No _regrets?_"

"Conscience? Of course. Regrets?" The last of the wild mood dropped from his face and he smiled gently. "My friend, you know me. Not a one."

"How can you say that.."

"Well, perhaps…" France shrugged. "At any rate one must try. One must 'keep one's chin up', correct? Believe in a merrier world."

England gritted his teeth and said nothing.

"Cheer up, Angleterre," France said softly. "I understand, truly, I do. It hurts more because each of them believe in some way they are doing it for _your_ sake, out of love for _you_. That is hard."

Someone at the table audibly caught their breath, and no one met each other's eyes. England looked more furious at France's kindness than his mockery. The silence deepened.

Finally, Germany unfroze and made a show of looking at his watch. "It's three o' clock, the recess is over. Also, we are never playing this game again."

* * *

NOTES:

**The Monkey** – look up the Hartlepool monkey hanging. Yeah. Literally the only thing anyone knows about Hartlepool.

**The Oxfordshire Rising** happened in November 1596, and I've been weirdly intrigued/amused/saddened by it ever since it came in A Level history, so I wanted to write a little something. (…It was _supposed_ to be all cracky and funny, then France opened his mouth.) It happened basically as England described, and really you only learn about it is an example of 1) how there were less risings and they were less popular in Elizabeth's reign 2) but how Elizabeth and the Privy Council dealt really very harshly with what was basically non-event, because everyone was very twitchy about rebellion and disorder. In a way, the Rising wasn't a total failure(!) – more action was taken by the government against illegal enclosures.

**Manga Carta –** of course there's lot more to it than that, and bits are still in force today, but eh I figure if France is trying to wind England up he can talk about it this way…

**Regicide:** Because you KNOW it went down like this in 1793:

**ENGLAND:** Are you mad? You can't just kill a king!

**FRANCE:** *COUGH COUGH COUGH* pot. kettle. _black_.


End file.
